Reveling in revelations!

Some people take pride in being the "Do-It-Yourself" type. They can fix things in the house, design the simplest or the most complicated things in their heads, predict faults and failures  in a single look, and know what they'll need in new stations / situations alike. They may not boast about it. But there's that unmistakable hint of self-esteem, nay, self-admiration, every time they... well.. do things themselves.

Now I'm at the other end of the spectrum. Not the blatantly outsourcing types. That would have been so much easier! I am what I call a "Screw-It-Yourself" type of person.

I never know what I want. Or what I need. What would look, feel or work well in different situations. I try making things, but never finish them. I plan things that I never do. I have detailed conversations in my head and then forget they were only in my head. (For the record, I blame Dumbledore for this!). And all this is in a relatively non stressful environment.

At work, I take things like an old historian. I observe for the longest time before I make a conclusion. Only it's the wrong conclusion. I try to think and derive a pattern in things, so that I can predict some behavior or define some corrections - only the corrections don't work, even if the patterns or predictions are right (I do get lucky sometimes). I've done this consistently at work, at home, in my relationships, and now, most dangerously, as I'm bringing up my own and a bunch of other kids.

And yet - the thing I share with my DIY counterparts is the self-admiration.

You see, anyone can be careless and silly with material (or immaterial) things. But to do so with things that matter or with people takes real and rare talent. And guts. Try doing your experiments on people who can do it back on you. You have to assume that the said people (and their guardians) have a sense of humor. And that they'll be kind enough to see your intentions, if not your methods. And most importantly, that they won't sue!

I love it that my life has this comical (and borderline loony) theme. With a little extra wits, I could script a play using quite literally comedy of (my) errors. Of course without any of the classical unities of action, time or place. But then what's the point? I would never finish it.

Like I said - patterns may be identified, predictions may be made, but corrections? Ahhh.. I think I'll outsource them!

Still laughing it off. And hoping it never comes down to blowing it up!

Enjoy the farce!

~K.

The Truant

Drawn towards the silence,
away from the noise -
both familiar and strange
And that creepy human voice
Some days are like that, I guess.

Days that go wrong without a reason.
Or good for that matter.
And you're left looking for logic,
Though you know it's just plain chatter.
Some days feel like that, I guess.

Feelings that run wild
All over your spectrum of emotions.
With, without, nowhere in between;
Sweetness and sadness in crazy proportions.
Some days seem that like that, I guess.

Things that seem one way
But may be completely different, altogether.
Like people interchanging roles -
Friend, foe, mother, father, brother.
Some people are like that, I guess.

I-We League

For a long time, I had been craving a moving experience. Of course not the literal moving, but the metaphorical. Well I couldn't have gone to a better place in search of it.

The last two weeks at Teach For India have been a series of revelations and reflections (as is the popular culture here). Not that I have a problem with either of these; but I do sometimes wonder how many revelations my heart can take in a month. In just the first weekend, we had 2 community visits - both shattering my preconceived notions about people, poverty and even my own self. There were stories aplenty of both heart break and breakthroughs, told in both first and second person. And though it may not be the best thing to say publicly about oneself, I found myself crying like a sissy in all of these. And let's face it - there's just this much that you can blame on homesickness.

We met people living in slums; we made a sculpture out of garbage in a lower income group community; we went door to door in another lower income community recruiting children to a summer school, and we've had 2 PTM's since school started on May 12th. In all of these meetings with people, I have been amazed at how similar we all are in terms of simple joys, hopes, aspirations and even fears. And also how varied because of the conditions we live in and the world we have been exposed to. It's a reaffirmation of what our CEO Shaheen Mistry said during induction - it was a coin toss that decided that I will lead the life that I am living. I didn't do anything to deserve the family I was born in.

There's so much detail that I want to express. But I find I cannot contain it in words anymore. Even though they are the only set of tools I am comfortable with. I'm reminded of roller coaster rides that made me dizzy afterwards. It's only logical that emotional roller coasters should numb your mind. Maybe I should just wait it out and count on the reflections to reveal themselves.

However, even if the details get blurred, the one theme that remains constant is the strength in numbers while also remembering how each one of us is needed for all of us to stay strong. Isn't it ironic?

Oh well.. Life does have a funny way of sneaking up on you. And a funny, funny way of helping you out. Thanks a lot, Alanis Morissette. Here's my other hand giving a high five!

Peace out! \_/

~K.

Odd One Out!

Some of my friends are of the opinion that the Retail Industry owes its existence to women. Oh well... I must be what they call the black sheep. Oh don't get me wrong... it's not that I can't shop. When it comes to buying gifts for people, I can do that with my eyes closed. (Not literally of course, but you know what I mean) But send me to a mall to shop for myself and all I can do is go from store to store looking at stuff... not buying anything... a little pissed with myself, but happy that I'm at least burning calories!

I'm back in the US now. And last weekend I set out to do some serious shopping. No.. seriously! There wasn't anything specific on my agenda. But I did have a couple of nice occasions which deserved some nice gifts. So Sourav and I spent almost a whole day store-hopping and what did we finally return home with? Umm... some groceries, some supplies, some liquor, a couple of books and a couple of movie DVD's from Blockbuster. And not that I didn't look (or was forced to look) for anything for myself. Everything was either too fashionable (where do you think I'll wear that dress?) or too uncomfortable (not THOSE heels!) or just too expensive (300 bucks for that stupid necklace??!! When have you seen me wearing jewelery??) !!! Again, it's not that I don't have a reason to buy stuff for myself... Or (for a change) the money. I do. But aahhh... I'm finally beginning to admit that I just don't have the wits to shop for myself!

If I could, the only thing I'd ever buy for myself or spend any of "money-for-me" for would be in one of these categories - Dining (Food and ahem... Drinks!), Travel (My absolute favourite activity!) and Entertainment (Concerts and Shows.. esp Broadway!). These are the things that make life simple. And enjoyable. And so much fun!

I know some of my friends are smiling or maybe laughing while reading this. They know this is how I am, how I've been all my life. Some of them have been hoping for some time that I'll change a little. Well, I haven't. I'll let this be my confession to the Fashion industry and end it at that. What I'm glad about, meanwhile, is that life continues to be beautiful even when you're dressed out of style! :-)

Peace on earth!

Love always,

~K.

P for Perfect?

The other day I took this quiz on facebook - What's your phobia?
And guess what mine turned out to be - Atelophobia. (The fear of Atilla the Hun... ;))
Ok really... Fear of Imperfection!

Kinda made me wonder... is that how much I seek perfection?

I hope not.


Love all,
~K.

Impressions - II

As a kid, I used to live in my imaginations. Well... I either haven't changed or haven't grown up. But then that's another story altogether.

Anyway, a part of my living in my imaginations was believing almost all the things that I read. Which ranged from the stories in my school textbooks to Archies comics. I used to believe those stories were real. Real enough to happen in my little world. To me. I used to imagine myself in those stories. And live a life where the nobody part of me was the lovely, the lover, the leader. It was so wonderful living a life like that that it was easy adopting those words and lines and ideas as my own.

One of them which knocked me over was - Songs never lie.

And thus, the sung word began to make a bigger impact than the one simply said or written. I guess that was where I made the choice between poetry and prose. Or between stories and songs. I used to believe in stories, and stories told me songs were true. So here I was. Now I believed in songs. Every one of them. Just the very fact that someone made the effort to get words to rhyme and sound poetic and dramatic; and then set them to music filled them with such magic and such beauty. Everyone from The Beatles to Simon & Garfunkel to The Carpenters to Billy Joel to Lobo and then Pink Floyd and The Doors came one by one and vindicated my belief. It was the best mix of truth and love and power and fear and beauty that I could ever ask for. It was the kind of things that commanded faith. And conviction. Much more than any God or religion could ever boast of.

And that's how I still am. Living my life in songs that other people wrote and sung. Finding my dreams and my truths and my power and my happiness in ideas and emotions of strange composers. Vain enough to relate every song that I listen to to some part of my life.
All because some stupid comic book said - Songs never lie.

And I say - Amen.


~K.

Blblblblblbl...

That's my word for 'Gibberish'. It's a noun. It's what happens when a million thoughts are running inside my head in a random, disorganized fashion. And when I try to stream them into a piece of structured, sensible, purposeful expression, written or verbal, typically a 'blblblblbll' is what comes out.

After a long time, here's one.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended this session on "Art of Living". I went there simply because I was curious. The session (if not the art itself) was interesting, to say the least. As a part of that session, the instructor asked us to close our eyes and just concentrate. On our surroundings, the noises outside, then ourselves, where we were sitting, then on our body, the various parts of it starting from the toes gradually moving up to our head.

Next he asked us to concentrate on the thoughts inside our brain. And that is when I realized how many there were. I could see those tiny little things scurrying inside my head, each trying to grab my attention, as if they were all jealous of the others. And the funny thing is, I knew exactly what all of those thoughts were. And even where they originated from.

Finally he asked us to concentrate on our emotions. And that was where I got lost. I could not understand what I was feeling. Apart from the fact that I wanted to pee, there was no trace of any of the feelings I have known until now. Happiness, grief, anger, regret, guilt - nothing. And that's when more thoughts came into my head. Have I become stoned to emotions? Or have I become so scared to feel that I have gone into a state of denial? Or more practically - Does physical discomfort override the emotions that may be present inside us?

Looking back, I don't think my state of emotional blankness was because of the first two points. I dismissed those thoughts as those which strike you in a state of panic. That brings us to the third (assuming that I was simply not feeling anything and there was really no reason to make a blog out of that). Anyway, what I'm now trying to figure out is this - Are we driven by our emotions or our physical sensations? I extend this question from I to we, because I consider myself quite the average, ordinary kind of a person. So I present these questions for all of us to consider. Between the mind and the body - who rules whom? And, most importantly, which one of these two is us? Am I, for instance, my mind or my body? If I am only one of them, what happens when the other one gains power over the I? Do I lose myself? Or am I just transformed into something that I was hitherto not?


Ah well... that is what a blblblbbll is. I could submit it to the Oxford lexicons if only I could standardize the number of b's and l's in it.

Meanwhile, let me borrow some words from Nirvana to seal this piece of writing off - I find it hard, it's hard to find. Well, whatever, never mind.

Believe me, if I could have said it better myself, I would have...


Love nevertheless,
~K.

Happiness is (also)...

... a mighty tough job.
Or so I'm learning....

All the books I'd read had taught me that happiness was a matter of choice... You just choose to be happy. That was all there was to it. Apparently. I'd like to speak to Mr. Norman Vincent Peale.. It was some of his books, I think, which filled my head with such ummm... utopia-n (??) thoughts. Well, Mr. P... you were wrong!

While the simple joys of life I'd written about earlier do bring a smile to your face, and give you a certain calmness in the otherwise hectic and crazy lives that we lead and all that jazz, they do not give you the happiness that lasts. The satisfaction is still missing from them. Ever had your head and heart pulling you apart in different directions? Something as simple as wanting something real bad, but not being able to afford it. Or being caught helpless in a now-or-don't-know-when situation.

Unfortunately, life keeps giving you such battlegrounds every now and then. Oh well, I can fight when the enemy is outside. Not within. I can't fight my own self. And unfortunately again, I seem to have this split personality... this alter ego maybe, which keeps pushing me to choices like these. If only life came with a users' manual... I would have had something to refer to!!

I wish I could have simply declared - "We want the world and we want it. Now." The way Jim Morrison did. And I wish just that declaration could really give me the world. Or at least MY world. The way I want it.... Oh but then... which one of me? The Dumb or the Dumber? Bah... forget it. Some fights don't get over I guess.

Never mind... I guess I'll play around with those simple things... which are said to constitute life. Just a little longer though. At least until the time when my selves reconcile with each other instead of just agreeing to disagree. And I hope it happens soon. The rules of English grammar said that I is a singular noun. I'd like to live it that way....

~K (& K).


ps: I'm reading LOTR these days... Remember Smeagol and Gollum? At least they would agree with me... ;-)
And well... current music - When the Music's over... by Jim Morrison.
Bye for now. Turn off the lights! :-)

Love,
~K.

Vanity is me.....

I've noticed this quite often now. Whenever I post a blog which (I think) is good... I don't post another one until quite some time... Maybe I'm waiting for people to read it and comment on it... or I want that post to be the first one that I read whenever I visit the page myself.... I don't quite know yet..

But well... that's how it is....


And ya... my new name is Modesty Blaise .... ;-)

Have a wonderful weekend!! It's just 2 days away... :D


~K.

Welcome to the machine!

Hi.
You’ve entered my territory. It’s only fair that I tell you what you’ve landed yourself into before you move on.
I’m, well… a lot of things. (things.. as in not literally. You’ll discover as you read on.)
I am, for one, a software engineer. By profession. Period. Among the perks of my job is that I get to stay up late and have frequent night outs. And I think of Mom and Dad and the times they used to tuck me into bed, even when my eyes and ears and head and heart used to be running on the television. And now, I’m up almost all night, indulging myself in all sorts of code. (Only not the Da Vinci kind, though I do admit mine would present a much bigger enigma. Just WHAT is that line doing there?). And before I forget, I’m doing this in some part of the day as well.
Day – that’s the lighter side of my life. And that’s not just because the sun’s up outside. But because the mood’s up too. And so is the coffee machine. And so are the reply-all’s! Oh, those leg pulling sessions! If only they were a wee bit literal, me and my friends would’ve all grown about a foot a day. And I would’ve titled this article “Tall in a day’s work!”
Which reminds me, another thing that I am, is well kinda funny. Hey, the thing’s not funny. Funny is the thing. (Even if I do say so myself ;) ). And my idea of humor - the deadlines given to me by my boss. And my reactions to them – “Sure, it’ll be done. By the end of day(s)” (s- silent. And conditions apply!). And finally – my explanations for what-cannot-be-done-in-the-given-time but should’ve-been-done-in-the-given-time has still-not-been-done-in-the-given-time-AND-more. That takes the cake (and the calories too). My heroes? You guessed it right –Calvin, Dilbert and Garfield. All this also contributes to the lighter side of life. On the darker side (read nights) , is coffee on the rocks! I’m referring to the JAVA inside my head, which I most desperately try to transform into working code. Which takes us back to point number 1. Technically, we call it recursion. And in English –a vicious circle. And in Hindi – umm… err.. well… That’s a language I need to get a certification course on. (again).
Okay. Track change.
The next thing that I am – a music buff. I grew from Hindi movie songs to English country music – to Boy Band types Pop music (if you’d like to call it growth) – to the final pinnacle – Rock, Metal and all that jazz! It’s quite a common trait in almost 70% of engineers. (for reasons refer lyrics of Sad But True by Metallica.). Anyway, now I’ve crossed over what I considered the final frontier as well. My favorite music now – declaration of compensatory off’s for all the weekends and late nights spent in the office. Biggest irony of IT I believe – rejoicing at comp-off’s instead of resenting working like that in the first place. Again refers to point 1 does it not?
That’s my life in a nutshell. As a software engineer. Gotta re-engineer MY software quick. Gotta make peace with the real life happening outside this matrix. Before I forget my password.
Peace on Earth. (And on the net too! Who knows when I come back as a permanent citizen.)

~K.

Me