The case of the missing appetite...

I wonder what was the last thing that I did because I really wanted to do it. And I don't mean eating or drinking something or something else of the kind. I mean really doing something.

Let me do a quick retrospection - I had really wanted to do engineering. Well, I did it. Only to realize that I could have done better than doing a B.Tech. When in school, I had wanted to work in some nice, big and reputed Software firm. Well, here I am now. Only to wonder what I was thinking when I made that wish. I learnt music, even without knowing how much I loved it. So, I don't know if I can count that as my own achievement. I had wanted to write. Again, here I am, writing, to no real end but at least writing.

I had really wanted to do an MBA, and then get into some field that I could relate to more than these bits and bytes that I am dealing with now. And somewhere in the recent past I thought I'd give up this crazy corporate world and rather study things that I really love - Language, Music, Arts. And maybe sometime know enough of these things to be able to teach a few people about them.

Wishing and wanting is fine. And is maybe the first step. But where is the hunger that will make me quit what I am doing now and run towards these wishes? I remember having that once. I still trust myself enough to know it hasn't completely died out. I still hope that this trust is not a consolation I'm giving myself. I keep telling myself that me having that thought itself is a sign that things aren't completely lost yet. How long will I continue to thrive on this consolation is something I don't want to know. But the way things are going, the answer is not too comforting.

I recently purchased one of those fridge magnets which give you something to think about. This one has a quote by Emily Dickinson which says - "Dwell in possibility". I do. I need another magnet which tells me to make possibility a reality. Maybe then I'll get there too.


~K.

I'm back... and how!

It's been about a million years since I last updated my blog... And I've been told to drink more coffee if not resume thinking my own stuff to post on this... So well.. here I am.. trying to make up for the last (lost) 2 months (million years!!).

This is how life has been in the roller coaster since October -

November -
1. Lots of e-running around and chasing mail id's and processes and systems for getting a confirmed date for my Visa stamping appearance in Chennai for December. And why? Only to prevent my home-going trip from being jeopardized by "Project Requirements"... Oh Boss... the things that one has to do to get some work done.
2. Billy Joel concert. Followed by Process Cert exam (which I thankfully cleared!) and a helluva crazy Diwali celebration... comprising a temple visit, free food at the temple, firecrackers (again) at the temple, gambling at home, general singing and dancing (at home again!). Basically taking care of the "Life" part of "Work / Life Balance" :D
3. Friends visiting and Visiting friends!! In 3 subsequent weekends. Diwali weekend, the one after that and then for Thanksgiving. What more can one ask for? :-)
4. Thanksgiving - This one almost deserves a post of its own. Let's see what justice I can do in 1 paragraph - Car accident (a leeetle more than a Fender Bender). Trip to Portland. A bit of Late night Thanksgiving shopping. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! Late night party. More shopping next day. More partying in the evening! Still more shopping and partying the next day! This is what happens when 9 crazy people meet for an extended weekend in 1 house!
5. Nov end - Homeward bound on Nov 30th! Aaaaahhhh.. Heaven!

December -
1. Reached Delhi late night on 1st. Early hours of 2nd.
2. Attended my beeeeshhht friend's wedding on 2nd.
3. Short trip to Chennai on 3rd - Missed a flight. Got another ticket. Reached office. Met a LOT of friends. Talked a LOT to all of them. Went out for dinner with friends. Got my visa stamped the next day. Again went to office and met friends and talked to them and went out for dinner.
4. Back in Delhi the next day. Family Reunion at home. What more can I say... :-)
5. Off to Nainital for my sister's wedding. Wonnnnnderful time. Will put up some pics here maybe.
6. Back in Delhi again. Lots of shopping. Lots of eating. And Lots of packing.
7. Flight back to US. Me and Mom!
8. Yesterday - Reached Seattle safely. Me and Mom and our luggage. And we shall live happily ever after... At least for the next 3 months..

That's how my calendar has been since I last signed into my blogspot. And that's about it for now. There'll be more. If not about me then about this lovely lady who's come to stay with me leaving her own home behind in land far far away! We hope to have fun. And we hope that the weather doesn't play spoil sport. And if it does, then we'll head off to warmer places in the country. Last thing that I need to pray for now is less work and more holidays!! :-)
Amen.

More later!

~K.

Happiness is (also)...

... a mighty tough job.
Or so I'm learning....

All the books I'd read had taught me that happiness was a matter of choice... You just choose to be happy. That was all there was to it. Apparently. I'd like to speak to Mr. Norman Vincent Peale.. It was some of his books, I think, which filled my head with such ummm... utopia-n (??) thoughts. Well, Mr. P... you were wrong!

While the simple joys of life I'd written about earlier do bring a smile to your face, and give you a certain calmness in the otherwise hectic and crazy lives that we lead and all that jazz, they do not give you the happiness that lasts. The satisfaction is still missing from them. Ever had your head and heart pulling you apart in different directions? Something as simple as wanting something real bad, but not being able to afford it. Or being caught helpless in a now-or-don't-know-when situation.

Unfortunately, life keeps giving you such battlegrounds every now and then. Oh well, I can fight when the enemy is outside. Not within. I can't fight my own self. And unfortunately again, I seem to have this split personality... this alter ego maybe, which keeps pushing me to choices like these. If only life came with a users' manual... I would have had something to refer to!!

I wish I could have simply declared - "We want the world and we want it. Now." The way Jim Morrison did. And I wish just that declaration could really give me the world. Or at least MY world. The way I want it.... Oh but then... which one of me? The Dumb or the Dumber? Bah... forget it. Some fights don't get over I guess.

Never mind... I guess I'll play around with those simple things... which are said to constitute life. Just a little longer though. At least until the time when my selves reconcile with each other instead of just agreeing to disagree. And I hope it happens soon. The rules of English grammar said that I is a singular noun. I'd like to live it that way....

~K (& K).


ps: I'm reading LOTR these days... Remember Smeagol and Gollum? At least they would agree with me... ;-)
And well... current music - When the Music's over... by Jim Morrison.
Bye for now. Turn off the lights! :-)

Love,
~K.

It's all a lie....

People say it's a small world... It's not. It's huge...
Don't trust that statement.

It's not a small world....

~K.

Happiness is....

I don't know if anyone can ever really define that... But here's to the innumerable small things that make us happy throughout the day... We may notice them... or not... but well... if you find yourself smiling reading even one of these, you know what I mean...

• Looking at the beautiful weather and spending your time imagining yourself enjoying the outdoors instead of working...
• Having furtive conversations in the office with your friends while everybody else is working...
• Suppressing your smile / laughter in above conversations...
• The traffic signal turning green from red just as you approach it...
• No queue in the bank...
• The store you are in playing a song that you love...
• Singing in the bathroom...
  
• Finding a mail waiting for you when you reach home...
• Getting a surprise...
• Giving a surprise...
• Finding the right snacks in the vending machine...
• No crowd at the gym...
• Having a good workout...
• The TV at the gym is playing a movie / serial you love...
• A nice shower after a good workout...
• The temperature of the water is "just right"... :-)
• Journeys with people you like... (Road trips... bus journeys... flights... walks... just about anything.. )
• Smiling at a kid and the kid smiles back...
• Spending time with your friends doing nothing...
• Laughing your guts out with friends...
• Having a good cry with your friend...
• Stealing books / music / movies from friends and not giving them back...
• Getting back books / music / movies that you lent to friends... ;-)
• Sitting at the restaurant talking with friends even after the bill has been paid...
• Sending messages at midnight and getting a call back...
• Getting messages at midnight and giving a call back...
• Knowing that a friend you haven't spoken to in a long time is doing well...
• Getting a call or a mail from that friend...
• Silly "Girl Talk" with your room mate... (I don't know if boys do that too... and well... it doesn't really matter anyway)
  
• Suddenly getting the words of a song you've been trying to remember for a long time...
• A good coffee... (I am incorrigible when it comes to this!!!)
• Catching yourself smiling for no reason at all...
• Dancing.
• Flowers.
  
• Hugs.
  

And well.. a lot many more... I need to get out of office to enjoy a couple of these small things... else maybe I'd have written some more...

Anyway... if by now you do know what I mean, lemme know some of yours too...

Keep smiling!! :-)

~K.

Yet another Book Review

Name of the book - Nineteen Eighty Four
Author - George Orwell

Description* - Nineteen Eighty Four is the classic novel of our time. A powerful warning against the evils of a totalitarian state and a passionate plea for human liberty, it paints an appalling picture of love crushed by terror. Big Brother, Newspeak, Doublethink and the Thought Police are part of a world to which Orwell looks forward with spine-chilling accuracy - a world which some say is with us now.

(Most importantly) My views -
Was reading Nineteen Eighty Four last week. After a long time read something so disturbing. I don’t know exactly what it was about that book that hit me so hard, but I felt myself going through all the instances where I had my happiness with me, in me, and yet I lost it. What was depressing was that I could remember each of those instances to the minutest of details. And my failure to hold on to them. I could see all those events happening in front of me all over again. And all I could do was stare like a witness to my own life. I couldn’t put myself in my own position and change things. Funny (if you might call it funny) part is that even the time when those things actually happened, I knew what I was going to lose. Hated to see myself losing all over again.

I don’t know why, but for some reason the song Iris is coming to my mind now –

All I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Coz sooner or later it’s over
I just don’t want to miss you tonight.

..........................................................................................................................................

The My views section came out while I was mailing a friend about what I thought about the book. I might not even have read it had he not mentioned the book in yet another one of our weird conversations and sold me on it (the book.. not the conversation). Many Thanks.
And of course, the guy who lent me the book. My project mate. Another avid reader. That's the least I can say of someone who read this book when he was in class XI. Hats Off!! And Thanks too!!

Anyway, acknowledgements apart, the book "Nineteen Eighty Four" is a FANTASTIC read. It is depressing and strong. And lingering. Read it if you get it. And if you dare.



~K.

* - Taken from the cover of the book.

Walk of Life!

I love rains, despite the messy muck and mucky mess that they bring up after they're gone. But does that matter? Recently I discovered that the mucky mess isn't the only kind of mess that rains can put one into.

Last weekend I was walking back from a friend's place to mine. It was raining. And I was glad. Had been such a long time since I'd walked in the rain. Part of the luggage that I was carrying was my laptop. But, I do declare, it didn't even strike me once to protect it from all that water. I reached home, happy. Even messaged my friend how wonderful a walk I'd had. An hour or so later, I checked my laptop. Conked! And no, it didn't even say goodbye.

Had quite a thoughtful weekend. Thinking about what to do, what to say when asked. Will I be liable for it. Will I be held responsible for it... You know... the works.
Finally what it came down to was me returning the laptop to the office. My work gets hampered a little. I may lose the flexibility (convenience) of working through different offices until I get a replacement next week. I may have to spend 4 hours a day in my daily commuting to and from office. Quite a few cons I must say.

And yet... I still want to walk in the rain.

So help me God.

*Amen*


~K.

Dreams - one a penny.

Dreams...
Amazing little things arent they? Keep coming and going inside your head. And some of them manage to stay inside.
The thing to figure out is... how do you know which ones to cherish as nice, pleasant thoughts and which ones to start chasing? How do you know the dream will be just as beautiful as reality as it is otherwise? What if you spend a lifetime chasing your dream, working hard to materialise it only to realize it wasn't worth it?

On the flip side, how do you get rid of a dream that's planted in your head? How do you let go of the beauty... the strength... the happiness that this dream brought along with it? How do you not reach out to that happiness and make it yours knowing all the while that if you don't, it's lost forever?

I read somewhere today... on a billboard... If it's worth a dream, it's not worth a sacrifice.
Wrong thing to read man. And at way too wrong a time. It kinda set back my "renovations" by ... hmmm... quite a period of time.
Maybe I'm better off dreaming about my Mustang, and my houses and my dogs and food rather than anything else. Maybe it is as material a world as it is made out to be. Who knows...

~K.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Here comes the Son!!!

Here Comes The Sun
(George Harrison)
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Little darlin' it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darlin' it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darlin' the smiles returning to their faces
Little darlin' it seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darlin' I feel the ice is slowly meltin'
Little darlin' it seems like years since it's been clear

Here come the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right.

---
For my little darling.
It's not just alright... it's downright wonderful if I may say!!!

Love,
~K.