Save Our Souls

I graduated from the Teach For India fellowship last week. With these lofty ideas that somehow I had helped mould the future for some children. And that these children will be the leaders a few years hence and their strength, courage and wisdom will be a deterrent to the darkness and monsters that run rampant now. I must admit, I was so preoccupied with the graduation ceremony, my part in it, what I’d have worn to it that for the days preceding it, I did not care what was happening in the country that I had so proudly helped (in my opinion) to shape.

Serves me right for living in a bubble.

The news incidents of the last couple of weeks have been the biggest antidote to my complacency of thinking that (attempts to) teaching children values like respect, empathy, friendship, grit, awareness is going to bring even the tiniest deviation in where we are headed as a people. For anybody to have a future, there is a precursor of surviving the present. Which is what seems most bleak now.

One of the things that we had learnt as a part of the fellowship was that to truly guide children to a better future, it was important to understand their truth. Only then would we be able to contextualize the hope that we could provide to them. Take out the truth and the hope might be false or not make sense. Take out the hope and the truth would suffocate them.

Cut to the present – in the last week itself, there have been numerous distressing, disgusting and depraved news incidents coming from all over the country; of people conspiring towards, committing or condoning violations like no other. And these were just reported cases. Who knows how many never got reported? Amidst news of people supporting, justifying and pardoning acts of rapes, murders, riots and massacres, I’ve been struggling to give myself even a sliver of hope.

And that reminded me of the balance between truth and hope.

Before I try to find that elusive bit of hope, I probably need to understand the truth behind these acts.

Now I’m asking this question to whoever can give me an answer with substance – What kind of human does one have to be to dehumanize an entire class of people based on their religion, social status, skin colour or gender? Forget a class, how does one dehumanize even one person? Is it something circumstantial? Psychological? Pathological? Genetic? Would something have gone wrong in their childhood? Or in their education?

I am trying to look for trends. Gender doesn’t classify – there are males and females alike. (Maybe the third gender will be our saviour. Who knows?) Maybe belonging to a particular Faith or Spirituality? Again, it doesn’t help. These perpetrators have included various spiritual leaders themselves (regardless of faith or being self-proclaimed or appointed). Educational background doesn’t seem to help either – we’ve had doctors, lawyers, police officers complicit in this. The only clause in educational background is that we don’t have set standards in or even a proper definition of education.

At this point, I don’t have any other clues. Hence the question – what does it take for one human being to look at another human being but not see them as humans? Until we understand, I doubt we will be able to devise deterrents or punishments. And until we understand this truth, any hope that we give ourselves will be as shallow as these threats to humanity masquerading as humans themselves.  

Someone had better start talking. And soon.

~K.

Reveling in revelations!

Some people take pride in being the "Do-It-Yourself" type. They can fix things in the house, design the simplest or the most complicated things in their heads, predict faults and failures  in a single look, and know what they'll need in new stations / situations alike. They may not boast about it. But there's that unmistakable hint of self-esteem, nay, self-admiration, every time they... well.. do things themselves.

Now I'm at the other end of the spectrum. Not the blatantly outsourcing types. That would have been so much easier! I am what I call a "Screw-It-Yourself" type of person.

I never know what I want. Or what I need. What would look, feel or work well in different situations. I try making things, but never finish them. I plan things that I never do. I have detailed conversations in my head and then forget they were only in my head. (For the record, I blame Dumbledore for this!). And all this is in a relatively non stressful environment.

At work, I take things like an old historian. I observe for the longest time before I make a conclusion. Only it's the wrong conclusion. I try to think and derive a pattern in things, so that I can predict some behavior or define some corrections - only the corrections don't work, even if the patterns or predictions are right (I do get lucky sometimes). I've done this consistently at work, at home, in my relationships, and now, most dangerously, as I'm bringing up my own and a bunch of other kids.

And yet - the thing I share with my DIY counterparts is the self-admiration.

You see, anyone can be careless and silly with material (or immaterial) things. But to do so with things that matter or with people takes real and rare talent. And guts. Try doing your experiments on people who can do it back on you. You have to assume that the said people (and their guardians) have a sense of humor. And that they'll be kind enough to see your intentions, if not your methods. And most importantly, that they won't sue!

I love it that my life has this comical (and borderline loony) theme. With a little extra wits, I could script a play using quite literally comedy of (my) errors. Of course without any of the classical unities of action, time or place. But then what's the point? I would never finish it.

Like I said - patterns may be identified, predictions may be made, but corrections? Ahhh.. I think I'll outsource them!

Still laughing it off. And hoping it never comes down to blowing it up!

Enjoy the farce!

~K.

Hide and still seeking

There was a time when I used to sing a little, write a little, read a lot and walk a lot. These were the things that used to keep me sane and at peace - both with myself and the world, in that order.

That there probably was a lot of insanity in my life then is inconsequential to this post. Partly because there still is. But the point remains, that through the anger and madness, I still had enough time to do the things I liked.

And then I took the bold step of changing my premise. I'm told it was bold. And brave. And I don't refute it. I did it with the hope that I'll find myself by doing what I believe in. As a bonus, I found that I was good at it. Good enough to finally give me a job satisfaction at least.

That being the case, I'm wondering why I still feel short changed.

The answer is complicated. I miss doing my favorite things. I miss being able to disconnect from work, even if for a short while. Most of all, I miss the luxury of not caring about work all the time.

That is what I've realized in the last year. Being a teacher means more than thinking and planning extensively. It's more than having to make a decision - big or small, every 2 minutes. The thing that takes the biggest toll is caring every single minute.

Case in point - this post. It's been 10 days since my school closed for the summer break. And my mind is still in the classroom - reminiscing the year gone by, or working out some plan for next academic year, or just thinking about the little tykes of my class and hoping they're safe, happy, carefree, and having fun! I find myself wishing that they get a break from the problems that they face in their lives every single day. Every political update that I find revolting reminds me of values that I want to inculcate in my children. Every new achievement in science or arts or sports reminds me to tell the same to my children to give them some heroes to look up to. Every time I notice instances of excess in my life and around it, I get repulsed, because it reminds me of these incredibly warm families living in the opposite end of the financial spectrum, and how unfair life is to them.

And if this is my mental state during summer break, it's nobody's guess what really goes on when school is in session.

The thing that I do feel thankful for is being a part of the solution. Of having a chance to do something other than feeling sorry. So it comes at a price. So be it.


Love, luck and hope.
Miss K.

Read only

For the past few months I've been wondering why I haven't even been visiting this site. Earlier I used to drop by to at least read my posts if not to write a new one. Now, I almost seem to be hiding. Is there a word for fear of expressing oneself? (Note to self - look it up!) Of late, I've caught myself fearing just that. And this confession comes with the hope that it will absolve me of some of that fear.

A couple of weeks ago, a friendly forward made me realize just how much my vocabulary has shrunk over the past few years. I used to use the right words for describing my feelings or thoughts. Now all I do is get amazed. Amazed at how beautiful something is or how dismal. Amazed at reports of volatility of public reaction or their inertness. Amazed at displays of strength and power and cowardice and helplessness alike. And now when I try to correct that, my referring to the dictionary to look up words I already knew, hurts that thing called pride.

So you see - it all comes down to pride. Maybe NOW I will work on it. Of course not in a medium as public as this ;-). But well, a public confession does help.

Especially when you don't allow comments.. ;-)


So long!


~K.

Happiness is (also)...

... a mighty tough job.
Or so I'm learning....

All the books I'd read had taught me that happiness was a matter of choice... You just choose to be happy. That was all there was to it. Apparently. I'd like to speak to Mr. Norman Vincent Peale.. It was some of his books, I think, which filled my head with such ummm... utopia-n (??) thoughts. Well, Mr. P... you were wrong!

While the simple joys of life I'd written about earlier do bring a smile to your face, and give you a certain calmness in the otherwise hectic and crazy lives that we lead and all that jazz, they do not give you the happiness that lasts. The satisfaction is still missing from them. Ever had your head and heart pulling you apart in different directions? Something as simple as wanting something real bad, but not being able to afford it. Or being caught helpless in a now-or-don't-know-when situation.

Unfortunately, life keeps giving you such battlegrounds every now and then. Oh well, I can fight when the enemy is outside. Not within. I can't fight my own self. And unfortunately again, I seem to have this split personality... this alter ego maybe, which keeps pushing me to choices like these. If only life came with a users' manual... I would have had something to refer to!!

I wish I could have simply declared - "We want the world and we want it. Now." The way Jim Morrison did. And I wish just that declaration could really give me the world. Or at least MY world. The way I want it.... Oh but then... which one of me? The Dumb or the Dumber? Bah... forget it. Some fights don't get over I guess.

Never mind... I guess I'll play around with those simple things... which are said to constitute life. Just a little longer though. At least until the time when my selves reconcile with each other instead of just agreeing to disagree. And I hope it happens soon. The rules of English grammar said that I is a singular noun. I'd like to live it that way....

~K (& K).


ps: I'm reading LOTR these days... Remember Smeagol and Gollum? At least they would agree with me... ;-)
And well... current music - When the Music's over... by Jim Morrison.
Bye for now. Turn off the lights! :-)

Love,
~K.

Learning to Fly...

One of the 5 things I wanted to do if I had the money was taking flying lessons.. Oh well, I did get some lessons last weekend.. even though this wasn't what I had in mind.
Let me share some of these here.

Let me set things straight - the scope of this article is NOT to get into the reasons that actually caused these learnings to come by. This is just to serve as a reminder of my ... ahem... let me call it.. a momentary lapse of reason. Just to ensure that I don't get into such a situation again.

Anyway, here goes... Things to remember when taking a flight to anywhere -

1. Check the flight timing - Let me rephrase that a little - Don't just check the time... also whether it's AM or PM. You don't want to reach too early or too late. Both are equally bad. (Been there done that)
2. Plan your travel to the airport - Depending on the typical traffic situation of the route you are going to take, include a 30 minute to 1 hour buffer in your travel time to the airport. It's okay to reach an hour earlier and wait at the airport than to reach in the nick of time, miss your flight and wait a lot more than just an hour for the next flight.
3. Do a Web / Tele Check-In whenever possible - If you don't have any check in luggage, a web or a tele check in can make a world of difference. You get to skip the line to get the boarding pass and head straight to the security check line; where you can also, incidentally, ask to be accommodated earlier if you are too close to your flight's departure time.
4. Travel light - It's best if you can do without any piece of baggage to be checked in. If so, your Web/Tele Check in can do wonders for you.
5. Check your options (just in case) - If you still do manage to miss your flight (I wouldn't be the one blaming you), be sure to check all your options. The list may include buying a new ticket, getting yourself rebooked or even cancelling your ticket. Be informed with all options and the time and cost impact of each. Make sure you count your money and make the right decision. I was thankful for the salary getting credited on time before finding myself stranded at the airport. Next time I may not be that lucky.
6. Count your blessings - That, I think, is the most important and should underline all the troubled situations you land in (even those involving a broken ipod ;-)). Blessings could mean having money in the account. It could mean having friends you can call at 11 in the night, 2 in the night, 6 in the morning and so on (Remember 24 hour friendship?). It could mean having a nice book to read while spending your time in an airport terminal. It could also mean finally being able to reach your destinations instead of never being able to travel. There are a million things that are still right with the world even if a couple of them are not. Remember to be thankful for those. I still am. :-)

Hmmm.. that's the list for now. Something tells me I should take a print of this and hang it somewhere near me so that I always know things to do and those not to do. And given the number of times I keep traveling to places, something like this is one of the best gifts I can give to myself!!

That felt good. I hope I have better, safer and more punctual journeys from now on.... Bon Voyage!

~K.

To Pod or not to Pod...

Yesterday, I broke my iPod... and along with it, my heart.

The battery had gone dead. And so I ordered a battery replacement kit online. While trying to remove the old battery, the chord which connects the back cover to the hard disk broke.
Damn!

I'm depressed.

Life without music... is SO not happy...


~K.