Black or White

It's funny how sometimes we either want everything or not have anything to do with at all. Like a binary system of 0's and 1's. Like a child who wants all or nothing. Anything in between is just... in between. And in between is not good enough. Reminds me of a Jim Morrison quote - "The highs and the lows are the most important points in one's life. Anything else... is just... in between."

I used to consider that a little childish.. a little immature.. maybe even a little self centered. Until I caught myself doing it. Not just once. But in almost every facet of my life.

I first noticed it in my guitar lessons. If I couldn't play the guitar the way I wanted to hear a guitar being played... then I wouldn't play it. Then again in my expressions... if I couldn't express myself as freely as (I thought) I could in English... then I wouldn't talk. (No wonder the article in Hindi has still not made its appearance here. I've a handicap!). What's more... remember that bicycle I have still not been able to ride... if I can't ride it the way I picture myself riding it... then let it remain parked forever.

And the scope doesn't stay limited to me. It moves into my social sphere as well. At work... if I can't be the best at whatever I am doing... then I don't want to do it. In my friendships and my relationships... if I can't be to a person what he or she is to me... I seem to withdraw.

All said and done, even though that is my first reaction to all such circumstances, there remain a few things on which I generally push on a little more than others. That social sphere stuff is among those few things. It takes more than just the first panic attack to make me give up. Maybe it's the fear of what I stand to lose. Or of having to start all over with nothing at all. And... well... singing is another. That's another thing for which I can accept a shade of gray.

And maybe that's what I need to realize. That Jim Morrison may have been right in what he said, but it's the in-betweens that let us relax between the excitement and the stress of highs and lows. That 0's and 1's may be able to define nearly everything, but fractions have their place too. That the perfect black and white picture has shades of gray blending beautifully from light to dark and vice versa.

Maybe I'll wake up to find that I already know this. And how to play the guitar really well. And how to ride the bicycle as well. That's a good thought to go to bed with.


Love, luck and hope -

~K.