Hide and still seeking

There was a time when I used to sing a little, write a little, read a lot and walk a lot. These were the things that used to keep me sane and at peace - both with myself and the world, in that order.

That there probably was a lot of insanity in my life then is inconsequential to this post. Partly because there still is. But the point remains, that through the anger and madness, I still had enough time to do the things I liked.

And then I took the bold step of changing my premise. I'm told it was bold. And brave. And I don't refute it. I did it with the hope that I'll find myself by doing what I believe in. As a bonus, I found that I was good at it. Good enough to finally give me a job satisfaction at least.

That being the case, I'm wondering why I still feel short changed.

The answer is complicated. I miss doing my favorite things. I miss being able to disconnect from work, even if for a short while. Most of all, I miss the luxury of not caring about work all the time.

That is what I've realized in the last year. Being a teacher means more than thinking and planning extensively. It's more than having to make a decision - big or small, every 2 minutes. The thing that takes the biggest toll is caring every single minute.

Case in point - this post. It's been 10 days since my school closed for the summer break. And my mind is still in the classroom - reminiscing the year gone by, or working out some plan for next academic year, or just thinking about the little tykes of my class and hoping they're safe, happy, carefree, and having fun! I find myself wishing that they get a break from the problems that they face in their lives every single day. Every political update that I find revolting reminds me of values that I want to inculcate in my children. Every new achievement in science or arts or sports reminds me to tell the same to my children to give them some heroes to look up to. Every time I notice instances of excess in my life and around it, I get repulsed, because it reminds me of these incredibly warm families living in the opposite end of the financial spectrum, and how unfair life is to them.

And if this is my mental state during summer break, it's nobody's guess what really goes on when school is in session.

The thing that I do feel thankful for is being a part of the solution. Of having a chance to do something other than feeling sorry. So it comes at a price. So be it.


Love, luck and hope.
Miss K.