Blblblblblbl...

That's my word for 'Gibberish'. It's a noun. It's what happens when a million thoughts are running inside my head in a random, disorganized fashion. And when I try to stream them into a piece of structured, sensible, purposeful expression, written or verbal, typically a 'blblblblbll' is what comes out.

After a long time, here's one.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended this session on "Art of Living". I went there simply because I was curious. The session (if not the art itself) was interesting, to say the least. As a part of that session, the instructor asked us to close our eyes and just concentrate. On our surroundings, the noises outside, then ourselves, where we were sitting, then on our body, the various parts of it starting from the toes gradually moving up to our head.

Next he asked us to concentrate on the thoughts inside our brain. And that is when I realized how many there were. I could see those tiny little things scurrying inside my head, each trying to grab my attention, as if they were all jealous of the others. And the funny thing is, I knew exactly what all of those thoughts were. And even where they originated from.

Finally he asked us to concentrate on our emotions. And that was where I got lost. I could not understand what I was feeling. Apart from the fact that I wanted to pee, there was no trace of any of the feelings I have known until now. Happiness, grief, anger, regret, guilt - nothing. And that's when more thoughts came into my head. Have I become stoned to emotions? Or have I become so scared to feel that I have gone into a state of denial? Or more practically - Does physical discomfort override the emotions that may be present inside us?

Looking back, I don't think my state of emotional blankness was because of the first two points. I dismissed those thoughts as those which strike you in a state of panic. That brings us to the third (assuming that I was simply not feeling anything and there was really no reason to make a blog out of that). Anyway, what I'm now trying to figure out is this - Are we driven by our emotions or our physical sensations? I extend this question from I to we, because I consider myself quite the average, ordinary kind of a person. So I present these questions for all of us to consider. Between the mind and the body - who rules whom? And, most importantly, which one of these two is us? Am I, for instance, my mind or my body? If I am only one of them, what happens when the other one gains power over the I? Do I lose myself? Or am I just transformed into something that I was hitherto not?


Ah well... that is what a blblblbbll is. I could submit it to the Oxford lexicons if only I could standardize the number of b's and l's in it.

Meanwhile, let me borrow some words from Nirvana to seal this piece of writing off - I find it hard, it's hard to find. Well, whatever, never mind.

Believe me, if I could have said it better myself, I would have...


Love nevertheless,
~K.